Logan Faust is an aspiring actor and writer in New Orleans. In his minimal spare time, he enjoys playing with snakes, being the front man in rock bands, and, of course, all things Madonna.
Follow him on Twitter @TheLoganFaust
You can send any inquiries, questions, comments, or requests to logan.m.faust@gmail.com
Say No to “No Means
No”: Why “Yes” is the Only
“Yes”
Let me say,
before beginning this editorial, that the ideas contained herein are not my own
original thoughts. They’ve been discussed (perhaps more articulately than me)
in other major publications. Just a few weeks ago, as I was having dinner with
Courtney, I mentioned reading a fantastic editorial piece on the subject, which
I will attach below. However, whether the thought is original or not, it is one
that is not mentioned enough. So. Let’s talk about it.
As the first
male contributor to Girl Warrior, I feel a bit like a Stranger in a Strange
Land. So, let’s dive in and get this out of the way. I’m a heterosexual male,
in college, with a libido just like any other young adult. I’ve met young women
to whom I’ve been sexually attracted. To quote the Girl Warrior herself, “Damn
Girl, ya look good.” It’s nothing new. I’m also an actor, which means I take
great interest in the very exact
science of human social interaction. With those two things in mind, I’ve come
to one very definite conclusion: sexuality, no matter how appealing it is, can
be a very awkward thing. I don’t believe that, inherently, it is. Quite the
opposite, I think it is something to be celebrated and reveled in. Yet, while
it’s quite easy for me to sit behind my Mac at my desk, wearing a black
turtleneck sweater, advocating that we all “celebrate our sexuality,” it is
quite another thing to do the mating-tango that takes place at many a rager
when two people are trying to figure out whether or not they’ll... *ahem*... consummate the evening.
At this point,
we all scream in perfect unison, like Tommy Wiseau in The Room, “Why!?”? Why is
something so fun such a pain in the ass to go about? If I had to wager a
conjecture, I’d argue it boils down to one thing: shitty communication. As
someone in the process of dedicating their life to getting (complex) messages
across to audiences, I cringe at how, for lack of a better word, fucked the
whole system of communication seems to become when people try to communicate
their “baser drives.” For me, and for everyone involved in this process,
however, the stakes are much higher than the simple risk of an awkward comment
or misinterpreted glance. Sexuality, our sexuality, is one of the most personal
things about us. Being as personal as it is, this also means it has great
potential, whether it be to help or harm us. And because of this potential for
harm, all of us, boys and girls, must be extremely cautious in how we go about
the process.
I’d like to offer
an anecdote, if I may. (Of course I may, I’m writing the article.) I have two
unnamed friends, one male, one female, who are good friends with one another in
addition to being good friend with me. My male friend has been attracted to our
female friend for some time now, although the two have never explicitly
discussed his feelings. One evening, while together at a party, the two friends
began drinking heavily and, by the end of the night, had “hooked up.” I use
quotation marks because I, personally, hate the term “hooking up.” I think it
is a glib way to express something very serious. I digress. The next day, I
received a phone call from both of my friends. The male friend was ecstatic,
taking the female friend’s involvement as a sign of reciprocation. The female
friend was extremely upset. Unfortunately, she had been too intoxicated to make
a cognizant decision. I would like to insert the disclaimer that there was
never an intent of malice on the part of my male friend. On the contrary, he
cares for her very deeply. Unfortunately, caring is not enough in situations
like these.
After hanging up
with both friends, I mulled over what I had heard from both sides. In my mind,
I couldn’t help but think that the situation was, essentially, date rape.
[Pause] That’s a hard judgment to pass when it involves friends. It’s even
harder to pass when it’s not something that was done with cruel intentions;
when the assumed rapist in the situation isn’t an unshaven, creepy,
pervy-looking guy, but, rather, a charming, humorous, nice dude you like to
hang with. In the same way that not all rapists are evil, moustache-twirling
villains (again, not an original thought of mine, but part of another editorial
piece regarding date-rape culture), I believe that not all rapists are
necessarily intentional. That is to say, most guys that I know do not go out to
bars with the intention to rape girls. While most reported rapes,
unfortunately, do involve someone who already knows they do not have a person’s
consent, there are far too many unreported rapes that come as a result of
miscommunication between the two parties. But accidental rape is still a rape.
Intention does not equal absolution.
The problem
above is, I’m sure, all-too familiar to readers out there, both men and women.
And, further, I firmly believe that the problem is the result of a cultural
flaw we have been brought up with. I speak about that old saying, “No Means
No.” We’ve all heard it: “If someone touches you in a way you don’t like, say
no.” Let me be clear, I believe 100% that this is integral and important to
teach people. It reinforces boundaries, that every person has dominion over
their bodies. No one has a right to your personage but you. It’s a great thing
to teach young people. But it is flawed. A rapist, after all, is a person who
violates another person’s consent. The mustache-twirling villains above will
most likely not listen to “no.”
That’s yet another issue for yet another editorial piece.
Here, instead, I
wish to focus on the majority of young men out there. The ones like my
aforementioned friend. To those reading this piece, I wish to say this: I
believe in the decency of people. I would like to believe that most young men
out there are good, upstanding men, who, if told no, will stop. I believe that.
As guys, we have sex-drives, sometimes think with our “other heads,” and make
boneheaded (punintentional) decisions. But we are not bad people, and would
never want to be rapists. However, as in the story I offered above, there is
not always a “No” to make the situation cut-and-dry. And, according to
no-means-no culture, if no one says “No,” things must be okay, right?
This is where
communications breaks down. Sexuality shouldn’t be awkward. But it can be. And
unless you’re lucky enough to find that one special person who makes it easy,
it probably is gonna get all sorts of awkward in the bedroom. The glamour of
porn neglects to show that moment where the woman, whether it be because of
fear, nerves, alcohol, or anything else, doesn’t say “no.” Is this an
invitation to sex? Is the absence of “no” an automatic “yes?” Absolutely not.
Which is where we, as a culture, as a society, as sexual beings, and as people
respectful of other people, we must make a change.
No means No is no longer enough. Yes is,
and always will be, the only Yes. Period. If a person does not explicitly
consent to sexual activity, it shouldn’t happen. As a side note, it is
impossible to consent when intoxicated. Keep that in mind at your next party.
(Yet another other article [That’s the third one if you keep track.])
What does this
mean? It means that we, all of us, have a responsibility. It is not a woman’s
responsibility to “ensure” that they are not raped. That’s like saying it’s a
person’s responsibility not to get shot (I’m looking at you, NRA.) It is,
rather, our responsibility not to rape, and to prevent it. I hesitate to call
something so basically decent a “responsibility.” It’s a simple concept that’s
been miscommunicated, but it is integral. To men out there, if she doesn’t say
yes, ask. It doesn’t have to be a clinical, NFL-style “Do I have the express,
written consent of (Insert name here) to insert (my name here)...” (You’ll
pardon my off-color humor there). It can be as simple as “Is this okay?” or “Do
you like this?” If she says yes, you both have the benefit of legitimizing what
you’re doing. If she says no, then you avoid a potentially awful situation.
Does it mean you may have to go home alone? Maybe. But the alternative isn’t an
option. Ladies, it is not your
responsibility to avoid being raped. But the work here on Girl Warrior is all
about empowering and loving yourselves. So don’t be afraid to say no. You’re
worth it. And if you wanna say yes, then hell yes, say yes, and let him know. Guys (should) respect a girl who takes charge.
I’ll leave you
with a quote from the article I mentioned, which is included below:
“We’ve already made
strides in reframing the way we think—and prosecute—sexual assault. It was just
last year—after many years of work by activists—that the FBI changed its
archaic definition of rape from “forcible” assault of a woman to penetration
(of any gender) without consent. It may take some doing on all our parts to
make this next shift, but if we’re serious about preventing the next
Steubenville, it’s time to get serious about affirmative consent. Only a “yes”
can mean yes.”
 |
| Source: The New School |
