Girl Warrior Spotlight: Ashley

Girl Warrior Spotlight: Ashley

I'm proud to announce a new series of Girl Warrior media: Spotlights! Each week, we will feature a different girl in the Girl Warrior community. They will feature a mini-interview with each girl, who is teeming with so much awesomeness that we just have to brag about her.

Ashley came as a natural choice for the first in this series. I met Ashley through an old boyfriend and while that relationship didn't last, I luckily kept in touch with this beautiful girl throughout the years. I remember being 16 and absolutely struck with her beauty and artistic spirit, which spoke volumes about the amazing girl she was and continues to be. 

'Passing time seems to make Ashley even more amazing,' I thought when she walked in. She was sporting a bow-tie (which she knitted!) and suggested sitting outside in the lovely weather. Ashley has honored me with an interview and her own body-image story about recovering from an eating disorder.

Following her interview and story, please check out the collaboration that Ashley is doing with Girl Warrior, which we are SO excited about. She is a treasure!

Q. Tell us a little bit about yourself! Where are you from? What do you do?

Ashley: I was born in Walnut Creek, CA and was raised partly in Turlock, CA and partly in New Roads, LA. While I do love Louisiana and Cajun culture, I'm definitely a true Californian at heart. I'm a sucker for all things science fiction, garage sales, vintage finds, and everything creative. I recently learned how to knit, but I also love sewing, drawing, painting, reading, writing, and spending time with my amazing husband, and playing with the most adorable dog and bunny in the world! Fun fact: I collect coffee cups and buttons.

Q. What inspires you?

Ashley: Good music. Right now, I'm really into Mumford & Sons and Of Monsters and Men. I know it's cliché, but being in nature always inspires me. I always find something new, amazing, and awe-inspiring. My husband, Ethan, is also such an inspiration.

Q. Where do you hope to see yourself in the future--whether that's tomorrow or 10 years from now?
Ashley: I hope to have little kiddos running around, possibly living somewhere amazing like San Francisco or Portalnd. Hopefully, the company Ethan and I are working on (Knella Design) will be successful. I hope to be fully recovered from my eating disorder and help others struggling with eating disorders any way I can.

Q. What makes you feel beautiful?
Ashley: This was by far the hardest question to answer, and I was sure I didn't have a response. I've spent most of my life feeling ugly inside and out, and self-acceptance is still a foreign concept to me. Over the last few months I've learned that I feel beautiful when I give myself the emotional and physical nourishment I need.

Q. How do you cultivate happiness?
Ashley: It's not always easy, but I try to stay in the present moment. When I focus on what's happening right now rather than dwelling on the past or future tripping I experience true peace. I also acknowledge and accept all my emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant, without judgement, and I surround myself with loving, supportive friends and family. I'm also learning to be self-considerate---taking care of myself first, doing things I enjoy, and respecting my pace in recovery.

Q. What's your favorite quote?
Ashley: "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." - Dame Julian of Norwich. This quote has gotten me through some tough times, and helps me remember that things will work out.

And now, Ashley has written out her own story for you to read.

"Firstly, you should be warned that my story is not pretty. It’s full of pain, ugliness, and suffering. It’s not uplifting and might very well make you sad. With that said, read at your own discretion.
 

I was born in Walnut Creek, California to a loving mother and father. They showered me with love and “oohed” and “aahed” at my cuteness—or so they say. At the tender age of 2, my parents and I moved to my father’s hometown, Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Two years later, my sister was born and two years after that, my brother was born. We were a happy family of five with everything we needed, and some would tell me that my troubles were unwarranted because of what they thought they knew.

The first time I remember being self-conscious of my inner and outer beauty I was about 4 years old. I felt clumsy, flawed, and fat compared to my dance and gymnastics mates. I didn’t recognize it until recently, but this marked the beginning of an internal battle with very powerful, manipulative, and tormenting voices—my eating disorder voice, critical voice, and perfectionist voice. I began pushing all my emotions down, never allowing myself to feel anything unpleasant. I strived to be the perfect daughter, sister, student, and friend. Throughout elementary, middle, and high school I compared myself to everyone never feeling satisfied with how I looked or who I was. In fact, I’m only now starting to get to know myself. I always felt inadequate, both in school and at home. I set unobtainable goals and standards for myself and only felt guilt, shame, and frustration when they weren’t met. As for body image, I can honestly say that there have been only a few days since I was 4 years old when I was satisfied with the way I looked. The issues I have with my body stem from the belief that being thin and beautiful means being loved, worthy, and adequate. I’ve fed into every piece of bullshit our society gives us, and I looked to others to tell me how I should look, think, and act.

When I was 9 years old, we moved to New Roads, Louisiana, a small town filled with cliques, rumors, and nosy neighbors. I had escaped a sexually abusive friendship and began acting out through food, and this is when my issues with food really began. I became a secret eater, sneaking treats when I wasn’t hungry to fill the emotional ache and emptiness that plagued me. When I was 13, my parents divorced and I thought my world was over. My alcoholic father and protective mother had been on the rocks for a couple years and the unthinkable had finally happened. I pushed everyone out, ignored my emotions completely (even the pleasant ones), and started dieting thinking that being thin meant being loved. Maybe, if I were beautiful my father would stop drinking and come home. I put all my energies into losing weight, deluding myself into believing that all my problems would go away if I were just thin. By the time I was 15 years old, I had fully developed anorexia and a year later I added bulimia into the mix. I was irrevocably numb and empty, truly believing that no one would notice or care if I vaporized into thin air. I felt permanently unnoticed, unloved, and destined for failure. I felt worthless and undeserving of love, happiness, and health. In a world filled with uncertainties I turned to my eating disorder for order, control, and consistency. I obsessed about calories and weight, and controlled what went in and out of my body. It was my way of coping with the challenges life threw my way, but it came with a very high, unexpected price.

In December 2012, I hit an all time low with my eating disorder and finally had enough. The very thing that served as a shield of protection from the outside world ended up causing unforeseen damage. I felt excruciatingly worthless, empty, and alone. I was mentally and physically exhausted, and knew I needed to do something fast. I checked myself into a residential treatment center in California at the beginning of January 2013. It was the hardest, but best decision I ever made. I spent three intense months in treatment learning countless things about my disorder and myself. I’m nowhere near recovered, in fact, I have to make a conscious effort every second of every day to walk down the healthy path and not run down the unhealthy one. I’m still getting used to my new, healthy body since treatment and am a long way away from owning it, but I’m redefining the meaning of beauty. Now, beautiful means being proud and secure with every part of you, even the “flaws”. It means being compassionate, self-considerate, and loving. It means finding your own happiness and not being sorry for who you are. We’re all so unique and beautiful in our own ways, so why do we all expect and want to fit the impossible, unrealistic, and boring ideals of society?

My journey through treatment was the most intense, challenging, overwhelming, life changing, and incomparable experience I’ve ever faced. The girl that was once filled with misery, loneliness, and self-hatred is now brimming with hope, happiness, and self-compassion. I’m finding my happiness and am slowly starting to feel more deserving of love, joy, and health. It’s a painfully slow process, but I’m getting there. One day I hope to be able to fully own and be entirely proud of who I am, and to look back on this chapter of my life and know that I won’t have to suffer that pain ever again. I’m so proud of myself for having the strength, bravery, and courage to embark this crazy journey and excited to see what happens next."

We are honored to have Ashley's story featured and even more excited about the new collaboration that she is starting with us, a support group for girls called The Battle Front!

What is The Battle Front?
A safe, non-judgmental place to face your inner struggles with the support of your fellow Girl Warriors.

Mission Statement: A safe, non-judgmental support group where we can share our struggles with body image, self-acceptance, food, sexual abuse, or any other challenges life throws our way.

The first Battle Front meeting will be on Monday, April 15th in the Ouachita Room (302B) in the LSU Student Union. Please be advised that this group is being run by individuals with good intentions, but that we are not mental health professionals.

We hope to see you there.

XOXO
Girl Warrior